Released by conviction

  • Posted on May 18, 2013 at 9:01 am

This week I want to explain a bit more a short statement I left on Facebook, and go back over the whole idea of why trans people look for an expression for their feeling of ‘being wrong’ as they are. Some, but possibly a minority, felt from an early age ‘trapped in the wrong body’. That doesn’t work for all of us, and this analogy spoke better for me, so I’ll share it. Imagine … Supposing you were born in jail. This would be your whole known world. Everything around you would tell you that you were in ‘insider’, and…

Listening to eggs

  • Posted on May 11, 2013 at 6:04 pm
chickens and eggs

What a funny old week. It’s included sharing breakup experience and asparagus with one of my dearest friends, to lunch with my PSO (previously significant other)* to discuss divorce settlements, to a very quick offer on selling our house, and the decision to move towards or into the big city (not London, for those of you outside the UK!). All topped with the euphoria of a visit to Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic and the go-ahead for prescription hormones (no more illicit drugs!) and a surgical consultation in September. That makes for a pretty good week for me. I’ve never…

A poem from the edge

  • Posted on May 6, 2013 at 10:38 am

Drink Brink

a glass its water still its smooth
round mouth speaks my refreshment
but I see an edge its hard
straight line will take the glass
and in one slight move will break
shards will fall an instant blade
and with it in a warm basin
a water colour red will paint
I know this and its obvious no
debate of alternatives just release
please give me time to slip aside
with this glass this incision in time

 

2013 © Andie Davidson

 

Reading this poem can be multi-dimensional. Read across; you know what it is about. Feel it. Now read bits (or all) of it down; then across, or up or at random. This poem reflects the fragmentation of the experience and (as did I) still retains integrity.

Now look for ‘inner’, ‘icy’, ‘fallen’. Ask what is happening to my will? In what sense was I in time?

A and E

  • Posted on May 6, 2013 at 9:51 am

Unnoticeable as the air, as out of sight,
as filling every space,
the in-betweens where nothing goes,
it was there.

The slight touch on the shoulder saying
you’re in this conversation
when all the world is behind you except
the space of yet to know.

The smile, the question, the not-assuming,
that isn’t there at work
or at home, or the checkout where your
worlds slide quietly past.

Wheels, when you might stand, removal
of one effort you know would
stretch these unexpected minutes, hours,
leave breath spare.

There, in the gap between black square plate,
the huge x-ray room and you,
precision arms and tracks, embracing metal
with reassuring smile.

The kneeling, to explain from not-above
accepting understanding,
taking blood, listening for crackles, telling
what to expect.

And not a moment’s go-away, you’re done,
leaving with connection
though each had done just what they do
day and again.

In each look, listen, touch, that which makes us
what we are at best
that connects and makes, affirms—that life
is not just this.

 

2013 © Andie Davidson

Lying in bed

  • Posted on May 6, 2013 at 9:45 am

All those times I lay back yearning for your mount.
Aching to be taken instead of only drawn to you.

You would take my hand, and place it—which I loved.
I always did the right thing, the right way, always—for you.

But if I took your hand, placed it, was held—it was that I should
take in turn. Not learn, nor just initiate, but teach—and take.

 

All those times I lay back, just yearning to be taken—
your primal desire to have, to do, to satisfy yourself.

But you could never know. ‘How strange’, you said, ‘to have
dangly bits—I really can’t imagine what it must feel like’—whilst I

I would look at you and know. And I didn’t lie, when I replied
that I knew exactly how it feels to be a woman—and yearning.

 

One of us was lying, in bed. Loving—but lying and not
realising. Eyes closed. Lying. Longing. Longing to be taken.

 

2013 © Andie Davidson